Another thing
When I type on here, I could like try to sound all fancy and get to my points more conscise and really fuckin’ essay write my feelings in some profound way, but that’s more effort and it’s just like, no, fuck you, I’m not guna put it any more effort. I’m going to maintain a sense of well-being, even if that means sitting inside until my girlfriend gets off work, and having sex, then falling asleep and doing it all over again.
P.s.
I watched the movie Martyrs last night because me and my girlfriend are on a “watch horrifying and pointlessly depraved movie’s” spree (we also recently watched A Serbian Film), and I must admit, that movie is really fucked up, I was also going through cigarette withdrawals worse then I ever have before and I kinda of felt like my solar plexus was retching and being pulled by an invisible force out of my body while at the same time my vision was oddly clear and blurred simultaneously (the effects of proper amounts of oxygen being regulated back to my brain) So I almost had an anxiety attack near the end when ******MARTYRS SPOILER ALERT******* the girl get skinned and placed under a heat lamp and she is just totally fucking destroyed. I get these wierd thoughts that if I am feeling intense feelings while at the same time being exposed to something traumatic that it is going to implant itself into my sub-conscious and eventually fester and become some perversion, that’s a stupid fucking thought process, but I have it. Anyways, don’t watch that movie unless you want your boner to catch hereditary manic-depression which causes it to only be awake for short times during which it contemplates sex but then consciously opts out of it due to lack of interest.
Amalgamate
I’ve noticed something odd, I can put in effort behaviorallly, meaning like, with my physical body. But as far as heart effort, or effort of the mind, or anything that infringes upon my comfort and safety, I am incapable of putting in effort any longer. I think it’s because I’ve been so used to violating my own boundaries for the sake of percieved “success” particularly socially (which very well may be a massive part of social anxiety in general for all people) But, now it’s like, naw fuck you, I dont answer anyone’s calls that I don’t want to talk to. I don’t trip about what anyone else is doing. I mainly just sit at home. I can’t even write or record music any longer. It like starts, and then it ends abruptly cuz I just can’t do it. It’s too much strain, and it gives me anxiety to strain myself in any way. So like, as much comfort of the emotional body as possible. If you’d like to, you can comment on this and feed me emotional comfort.
P.s.
The title is completely unrelated to anything, Cool word though.
I showed my mom this song. I come home at 12:34 A.M. and she feels very justified in herself. I admire this, Because, I know that she deserves much more then she gets in her daily life. Although, I’m afraid because she is talking about doing what’s necessary in order to feel better about her own well-being, despite her source of income (the company she decided to start with a property owner who basically owns the properties she needs to take to another level in order to succeed financially.) On one hand, this is all I plead of her on a daily basis, I see her struggling as an individual as far as self-worth and personal pride, due to the immense struggle she faces trying to be essentially “entrepreneurial.” But, on another hand, she’s my mother, the same woman who took me and my 3 other siblings (as a single mother) from Farmington Hills, Michigan to Lake County, California. The same woman who built a life worthy of living, a life worthy of struggling to improve, despite all of the odds we could perceive, being against us. The same woman, who, now as I see in retrospect,(being a 21 year old man), gave us a respect in an absolutely profound totality, to be true, moving, and authentic in every aspect of our lives. I am afraid for her, although she is practicing what I preach to her on a daily basis. I always tell her to stand up for herself despite any loss. And that is not necessarily something I can stand behind anymore. Because I have witnessed an unjust consequence despite the truest effort I’ve put in. The right thing, isn’t always the outcome to a justified action. So what do you say to someone who does what you have always seen as dignifying, honorary, and “only right” in this life, who may not see the results you deem absolutely necessary in a life that you consider worth living? I’m devastated in one aspect; It brings up nature vs. nurture, it brings up survival of the fittest, it brings up the need to be as cunning and deceitful as necessary in order to achieve what you see fit to survive. I whole heartedly wish this was not the truth, but I understand what it’s like to be a criminal now, I understand what it’s like to completely disagree with the order of operations in my government, my order of operations, as well as what I have been using as the course of my survival. I have lived by a moral code for so long, because it is such a beautiful idea, which seems naively “Utopian” at this point. I only wish to dominate, and destroy everything that gets in the way of my well being, and the well being of my family, from this point on, due to that being the true nature of myself, as the animal that I am, subjected to the capitalistic society I currently live in. I remember hearing as a child “Life isn’t fair” I never agreed with that statement. Life has done its best to prove me wrong.
